03.16.07

Tried to go out last night. It didn't turn out well.

It was nice to talk with friends, and laugh a little. But something set me off, and I ended up in tears. In a bar. And I wasn't even the teensiest bit tipsy.

Gah. I hate this. I hate that my emotions won't listen to my reason. My reason is saying, "So, Ms. Xat, this affair has ended. Sure, you got pulled in, despite everything. Fine. The guy is not ready, willing, or able to offer anything in a relationship way. Fine. Let it go." But my stupid emotions have thrown themselves to the floor, and they're having one hell of a tantrum.

I want to run away for a while. I want to find a tropical place to lick my wounds for a bit. Yeah. Try that on my miniscule salary and diminishing savings. *sigh*

My father called (?!-yes, it still surprises the hell out of me) the other night to see how I was doing. We talked about relationships, and how our parents affect how our relationships work. I clam up, and don't let anyone inside my head/heart. My father said, dryly, "Gee. I wonder who you learned that from." We laughed. I've worked so hard to be straightforward in all my dealings with others ever since that revelation hit. It's what makes writing here possible.

Gah. I know in the grand scheme of things my little problems aren't important to anyone except me. I could be starving, or horribly ill, or something truly awful...and I'm not.

A customer told me today that it's better never to make contact with people. If you never open yourself to people, you never get hurt. Yeah. I tried that for a long time--it ends up hurting more. To not allow others into my life, to not risk, seems like a half-life.

A while ago, I promised myself that I wouldn't allow fear to rule me. I am going to do my best to keep that promise.

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