09.03.05

I sat on the floor of my bedroom this morning, drinking coffee, and watching the sparrows and nuthatches fuss at each other. I heard the distant sound of a power saw.

Now I'm sitting at my desk. A samurai movie is on the TV (Kill! a.k.a. Kiru). The movie is filled with lots of growly male samurai voices, a score that sounds vaguely spaghetti-Westernish, a lots of blood-curdling yells. A strange counterpoint to the otherwise peaceful morning.

Still don't know whether I'm camping tonight or not. Best be prepared either way. I've been promised that I won't have to cook or lift a finger; that's such a rarity that I'm intrigued. I need to empty ToraTorakku. Don't know what treasures ("treasures"?) I'll find. I fear that my cleaning will be punctuated with cries of "So THAT'S where it's been," and "Great, now I've got three of those. What was I thinking?"

Still haven't been able to get in contact with the person who may (or may not) be Treluv's ride home from the airport Sunday night. Great. What I've seen of this person's sense of responsibility hasn't impressed me. I'll be at PDX at midnight, waiting for the plane to arrive. Like I've got anything else to do? Hah!

Admittedly, a lot of that is my choice. I've put up a lot of walls--can you blame me? Every time I let someone in, they fuck me (literally and/or figuratively). I'm tired of it. Really, really tired of it. At least I can rely on myself. If that's sick or unhealthy or whatever, well, I'll have to work through it in my own way and in my own time. Maybe someday, when I am old and rickety and bent and grizzled, I can risk my heart again. Then, at least, I know that they aren't attracted by the facade.

JR and I came up with my Viking name last weekend. I am Xat the Unobtainable. *grin*

Enough of my egocentric bullshit. Go. Be fabulous.

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