10.01.05

Oooooooo. I hate/love epiphanies.

Just realized that one of the reasons that I can't have a healthy (or, apparently, any) relationship is because I'm so wrapped up in being rejected that I over-compensate. I try to become what I think that they want, and I lose what it is that makes me, me. And it must be scary as hell for guys--thinking that they're the catalyst for my actions. Who wants that responsibility? I wouldn't. I've gotten better, my reasons to myself have become more clear, but until this morning I never put it together.

I never said I was quick...but I do get there

And it comes from my totally fucked up relationship with my father. That's my biological father; the one that has never really wanted me in his life. Bad enough that he had to marry my mother, but that I wasn't a boy was, I think, always a source of disappointment to him. Kids sense that shit.

Still working on it, but realizing that if I am ever to be healthy in that area I've got to put me first. A healthy relationship doesn't mean second-guessing and trying to re-mold myself into some ideal.

Oh, this may be terribly obvious to many of y'all. To me it's an eye-opener.

Whoopee for me. The apartment search continues...going to look at a place on Monday afternoon. It claims to be a large studio--so I suppose it's bigger than a breadbox. Nice thing is that I could walk to work; gas prices being what they are, it'd be a lovely asset. Of course it could be a horrible hell-hole with no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Ooo. I'm excited.

Go. Be fabulous.

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