10.31.05

Happy Samhain!
Happy New Year!
Happy All Hallow's Eve!

Went out with the guys last night. After being fueled by too much caffeine and just enough beer, we got to talking about how angry I am. And you know what, they're right.

I'm pissed. I'm pissed off that I'm 40 years old and have got fuck-all to show for it. I've figured nothing out. I don't even have one cabana boy begging to massage my shoulders and bring me tequila drinks. *giggle* Seriously though, I feel (however ridiculously) that I've played by the rules; I've been fair, diplomatic, honest, upright, and reliable...so where's the payoff? Yeah, I know, immature thinking.

I'm pissed off that my father used me as a beard. I'm pissed off that my ex- called me stupid for 15 years, and I let him. I'm pissed off that I am judged by my looks. I'm pissed off that since I'm a woman I'm supposed to be fucking flattered when any man who happens to come into the shop feels that it is his right to make inappropriate comments and/or suggestions. I'm pissed off that I'm only valid as part of a couple. I'm pissed off that it'd feel like a compromise to be with anyone. I'm pissed that I can't get anywhere near the same pay as any man in the company.

Dang. Talk about lancing a boil. I'm sure that there's more...but all those thoughts woke me up at 04:00, and kept me awake until my alarum went off at 08:30. Ugh.

But until I figure out how to manage my anger, it'll colour all my relationships with people. And I don't want that.

Anyone have any words of wisdom? Because I know what it's like to not be angry--every so often I'm able to get there. I want to spend more time there.

*sigh*

Back one. ||||| Forward one.