12.19.05

Is that Your Nipple in My Mouth? or, The Fremont Experience

After the cold-running slots at the Venetian, ChosenBrother� and I retreated to a bar. Ahhhhhhhh�beer. Then off to wander.

I swear, the best thing about Vegas is the people. Not in an �aren�t they great?� way, but in an �oh my god, are they really doing that?� way. It confirms my opinion that people are the greatest spectator sport. Ever.

ChosenBrother� and I wandered over to the Fashion Mall Experience. Is there anything more strange than Christmas songs about home and family and jolly jolliness in Vegas? There�s No Place Like Home (for the Holidays) played while I was in the bathroom at the FM Experience. It maddened me (the beer probably helped) so that I bounced out of the bathroom, dropped to one knee, and slid across the floor at ChosenBrother�.

Of course I misjudged the distance between knee and floor. Oof.

Back to the hotel. We wandered around the casino, looking for ChosenBrother��s friend who had arrived. I saw him first, and sat while we retrieved ChosenBrother� by cell phone. Just like squirrel fishing, but with sound.

Joined the herd and played slots and stuff. Headed over to the Mirage for supper at Samba. Also known as Big, Honkin� Slabs o� Meat on Swords restaurant. ChosenBrother� and I had a pitcher of caipirinhas*, a Brazilian cocktail.
(mmmm)

ATTENTION SIGNIFICANT OTHERS OF CHOSENBROTHER� AND FRIEND: I just want you to know that it was I who browbeat the reluctant pair into accompanying me to the strip club. I figured, it's my third time in Vegas--time for this chick to have a Las Vegas Strip Club Experience. All actions taken were instigated by and carried out by this shameless hussy. S�truth!

After dinner, we caught a cab to Fremont Street. Ah, da haaht of ol� Las Vegas. Arriving just in time for the Fremont Experience�a tour-de-force of jingoistic claptrap. Sure riled up the crimson napes. I looked at visitors from other lands and felt foolish.

Why is everything in Vegas an experience? Pardon me, Experience. Getting up in the morning and scratching your boobs is an experience. So�s breathing. Why not market the Eye Blink Experience or the Jeez, My Ass Itches Experience?

Hmmm. Could be a money maker.

After the Fremont Street Experience, we headed for the girls of Glitter Gulch experience. Walked in the door and were hit by the stench of, gads, at least 50 years of rancid jizz. The place smelled like shit�and that ain�t a metaphor, or simile, or whatever.
After ordering our two-drink minimum, we settled into a booth.

Goodness, tits ahoy. Talk about bad boob jobs. One woman, shapely on her own, had what looked like two tennis balls stapled to her rib cage. They resembled breasts in that they were round (horrifyingly so) and on her chest. But that�s where the likeness ended. They scared me.

On the way back to the hotel after our Experience I saw a billboard for boob jobs. Don�t know that I�d ever go to a doctor that advertised on a billboard. Particularly for plastic surgery.

Bored, and finally seeing a nice, natural-breasted, stripper, it was time for tipping. I walked up to the stage, dollar bill folded properly (length-wise and in half) and said hello. Precious, for that was her �name�, smiled and suggested that we do something nice for the boys. Okay, I guess, why the hell not, eh?

Next thing I know, Precious is stuffing the dollar into my shirt and twisting herself around my body like an anaconda. Oh HEL-lo�that would be your nipple in my mouth. Goodness. *laugh* A glancing kiss to the forehead and she was off. I turned from the stage.

We made a lot of boys happy.

Laws.

ChosenBrother� , eyes watering from the smell, suggested we get out of there and into a �nice, clean casino.� Yeah.

Next installment:

Why I�ll Never Be on Taxicab Confessions: Las Vegas Edition

*Caipirinha
2 tsp superfine sugar
1 lime cut into small wedges
2 to 2 1/2 oz cachaca**
In a glass gently mash lime wedges. Add sugar and muddle until dissolved into lime juice. Add ice. Pour cachaca, stir.

**Cachaca is a Brazilian cane sugar liquor that supposedly can be approximated by mixing equal parts silver tequila and light rum if not available.

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