11.10.04

I got a request to elaborate on my last entry (thank you for your concern, niceguymike) but I don't think I can right now. At least, not going into particulars. Still have to deal with all my crap, so this is all about me, me, me.

I realize my sadness is a temporary condition brought on by my own clutching at dreams. I'm very confused and afraid. The sadness is making me take an unvarnished look at myself, and that's always frightening and difficult.

I've gone back to thinking that I'm always going to be alone. My hopes for a family are never going to be fulfilled, and I'll never learn how to be with someone as a partner.

Part of me wants to be flippant and say it doesn't matter. Part of me wallows determinedly in the slough of despair. I feel like I'm a nightmare to anyone who tries to get close, and a burden to anyone who takes the time.

I suppose that may be why I'm so grateful when someone does take the time--and in my desire to keep that interest/time--I lose myself.

Then again, any time that I do worry about myself first, I lose everything. I started being concerned with me--my marriage ended. I decided to go back to school--a relationship that meant (and means) a lot to me was blown away.

I'm sure I'm not seeing something somewhere, but I'm so tangled that I can't see it. Or I can, and just don't want to see it. Hmmm. That's probably it.

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