12.26.05

I am the luckiest girl. I've got amazing friends, a loving (and maddening) mom, a roof over my head, and people who put up with my shit.

*grin*

Got a b-day/Christmas card from a friend in Santa Monica who said that LAsshole has disappeared off of the radar--again. In a remarkable change of tack, said friend suggested that my response would be "Good riddance." He's correct. Gads.

Have come the realization that a relationship...pardon me...a Relationship is not what I want right now. Every time I think about it, I feel all choked and held back. I don't feel as if I'd gain anything by Being With Someone.

Much of my ambivalence is from being torn about what I'm supposed to want, and what I really want. Part of me has always known. Ergo, the string of impossible relationships. It was me. I didn't want them to work, yet didn't want to take responsibility for choosing the loner path. How much easier (and satisfying) is it to whine and moan about the paucity of suitable men than have the courage to be me?

Oh, dang. Here's the funny bit; I'm having an affair with a lovely man. There's no expectation of any sort of capital-R relationship. It's fun and healing. I've gotten more care, honesty, and respect from him than I've gotten from men who were (supposedly) having a Relationship with me.

Yes, I did tell him, "If you want to fuck me, tell me. Respect me enough to give me enough information so I can make an informed decision. Don't fucking raise my expectations." He's the first man who's told me the truth. Hallelujah.

It's strange. For the first time I'm not fucking myself into love. You know, mistaking the tender vulnerability of sex for lurve.

I feel like me. Not like some pathetic sap trying to guess what the other person wants and molding myself to what I think that they want in the vain hope that I'd get it right and they'd never leave.

GAG! How stupid, eh?

But that's what I've done. Glad that I've recognized my M.O. and am fighting against it.

Yay!

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